Some
of this is true.
First,
hand me a trowel...no, two trowels, one for each hand. I am going to
lay this on Thick.
"My
Grandad died. Yep. Tragic. He was lovely. He always told me to Follow
My Dream. I remember he had a jolly twinkle in his eye. He played the
concertina. That's what got me interested in music. Every time I see
a concertina I think of my Grandad so I owe it to him that I am here
now. That and my three small children, one of whom needs an operation
for a disease you've never heard of. My mum has always been there for
me and has given up everything, except pizza, so I can follow my
dream. She's not a pushy mum, she just wants me to follow my dream.
My Dad buggered off when I was three so I have always had to be
really really brave. I don't think my Dad knew about my dream. This
is all I have Ever wanted to do Ever in the History of My Life
Ever.....!”
Sound
familiar? Well, The Hat did have a Grandad – several, in fact. They
lived till their nineties and one of them played the spoons as well
as the concertina. Also, they were really expert at creative swearing
and copious drinking. The rest is bollox...but I fear most of it
will be hitting a screen near you very shortly – twice a week –
until you want to smash the television with your handy trowel or tear
your face off with a cheese grater. Yep. The X Factor Season is upon
us again.
We
have already had an announcement about the Amazing Expert Judges. The
one who cries a lot will be joined in the competitive dress
department by another this-week-I'm-blonde and a self-obsessed chap
well qualified in reading out radio PR blurbs. They will be presided
over by a rich smug bloke looking for the Next Big Thing (for Thing
read Cash Thing) whilst pretending to be a philanthropic kind
uncle. Rock 'n Roll this ain't. The X Factor programme is a
Money-Making Behemoth that just keeps on giving in trowel loads. We
will get Comedy, Tragedy, Satire, Buttock-Clenching Embarrassment,
Bad Hair, Frocks and Spots and Misplaced Delusion....oh yes, and
Grandad. Sadly the one thing it doesn't have in abundance is Talent.
You would think that, for a talent show, this might be a shortcoming?
Of course it isn't, because this stopped being a talent show, in
dozens of countries around the world, light years ago. I want to have
anyone who thinks it is a talent show given a strait-jacket and
committed indefinitely to a dark place with wall-to-wall Magic Fm..
I
have no problem with the existence of programmes like the X factor. I
have a remote control. I don't have to watch them. They clearly tick
some entertainment box somewhere – but then people used to watch
bear-baiting in days gone by. If you started worrying about that
crowded Dark Corner of television shows then you would have to kill
yourself or go and live in a yurt in Mongolia Let's be sensible - a
Kardashian Backside does not a Deep Thinking Documentary make. My
problem is that, even after so many years of being served up candy
floss, there are still so many people thinking in all honesty, that
it has something to do with musical talent, vocal prowess or even the
nursing of embryonic talent. The show is there to make money and,
rather like the lottery, the chances of all the factors coming
together for success are so minimal as to be non-existent.
The
final of The X factor last year was watched by about 9 million
people (say that very slowly) and yet that was the worst
figure for a decade. Here are two names for you...Ben Haenow
and Sam Bailey. No, I haven't either – but they are the winners of
the last two years of the show. They disappeared, probably, like
unwanted characters in The Apprentice and East Enders, in a taxi,
cruising into the fading mists of time accompanied by some anodyne
backing music.... However, even after years of mind bleach it is
almost impossible to dispel images of Leonard Cohen and Whitney
Houston weeping while 'Hallelujah' and 'I will always love you' are
put through the mincer and the auto-tune engineer stabs himself to
death with a mic stand...
The
health side-effects of X factor are not my concern though. As a music
fan, musician, writer about and supporter of musicians, The Factor
that interests me about this programme - setting aside the knockabout
ruthless and cavalier judging and dismissals - is the huge amount of
money involved in this annual sleight of hand. The programme has,
amongst other marketing ploys, massive sponsorship, huge commercial
advertising income, money from downloads and apps, hoodies, T-shirts,
tote bags, mugs (how appropriate) and a positive pirate's chest of
income from phone voting – this last, always a secret, is usually
estimated at somewhere around the £8/10million mark....and that's
not counting the selling of a few copies of the competition winner's
'Music to Kill Your Neighbours' album...
Simon
Cowell, the impressario behind the show, has personally given
substantial amounts quietly to charity for many years and that should
be acknowledged. His personal website lists a number of them. I don't
doubt that he is nice to his mother and he is clearly brilliant at
what he does. Also, there is a misplaced notion, to which I don't
subscribe, that if you work hard and are rich and successful, you are
obliged to give away your money to the less fortunate - or face
Opprobrium and Abuse from the trolls. However, what intrigues me is
the fact that despite basing its success on the mantra of
'discovering and encouraging new talent', there is no obvious sign
that any of the profits from the triple-dialling fans finds its way
towards meeting that end except as an occasional one-off high profile
public relations exercise.
Yep.
There is indeed, money in 'music'. Oh Really? There is another rather more tarnished side
to this shiny coin.
When
the long awaited Warwick Commission
Report was published a few months ago on The
Future of Cultural Value in Great Britain
it drew a picture, in particular, of education in culture in disastrous Free
Fall. Music tuition, support funding, education and opportunity in
the UK are in dire straits. The British have always been ahead of the
game when it came to the application of culture as a 'soft power'
export and drama, film, art and music have been admired world-wide
and exported with stunning effect for years. Creative arts financial
export and turnover is annually estimated in billions. It is a
phenomenon of which we can be rightly proud and yet over the last
decade the funding of the 'arts' , in particular music, has been
whittled away and eroded to the point of collapse in some areas. The
Commission gives figures that show falls of anything from 33% to 50%
in after school and higher education dance, drama, craft, music
classes. The serious funding now only mainly goes via the Arts
Council, Regional and National Arts Organisations and Boards of
Management. This line-up largely represents just the top 8% of those
engaged and they are the well educated, well heeled and least
ethnically diverse group in the country. Facing austerity cuts, many
local authorities have closed libraries and axed provision to small
theatres and the provision of music services. Where music is
concerned, it is also evident that parental funding (which in some
areas covers nearly half the cost of these 'non-core' activities) is
starting to fade and pupils are disappearing.
Sadly,
this uncompromising report - which called for the Government to
“...ensure
that all children up to the age of 16 receive a cultural education in
order to ensure their life-long engagement and enjoyment as audiences
and creators..” - was
published during the pre-election hustings and got buried in
political flummery and the accompanying 'my promise is bigger than
yours' braggodacio.
It
is time for it to be rescued from the too hot to handle cul-de-sac
where it has been shunted.
The
new Culture Secretary, (who was Margaret Thatcher's political adviser
for five years) would presumably heartily support the amazing private
enterprise success of X-factor. However, he needs to look at his
In-Tray where alongside the killer Warwick Commision report he will
find the 'National
Plan
for Music Education',
a government scheme, launched with fanfares by his predecessor in
2011, which promised up to £60million annually via 'Music Hubs' going
into support grass roots development. However, the Educational Services Grant
which covers many of those activities is now to be chopped by
£200million. It is “un-ringfenced” which means that it is up to
the local authority as to how it deals with these cuts. Consequently,
contributions to these hubs have been cut back, classes curtailed,
peripatetic teachers are a thing of the past, in some areas
instrument hire charges and other fees increased and, inevitably as is always the case, those least able to pay are excluded and are disappearing. Music
education always used to be wonderfully egalitarian. The society that
allowed us to flourish creatively whatever our background or income
is in rapid decline. That cannot be right.
When
he is next invited to a gig by, for example, the National Youth Jazz
Orchestra (50 yrs old) or the National Youth Orchestra (65 yrs old),
the Secretary of State would do well to give a thought to how they came to
exist in the first place - and how in the future, he can call a halt
to the steady erosion of the opportunities for such brilliant
creativity. If ever there was a guaranteed blue chip investment in
the future well-being of the country, then this is it. It's time
Mister Secretary, that you let more children Follow Their Dream.
Getting on to The X-Factor is not the answer – even if your Grandad
does play the concertina....
Pip Pip!
Pip Pip!
The Blues Man in The Hat